The Butterfly Girl - Synopsis
Everyone has bad hair days, when they are unhappy about their appearance and wish they didn't have to face the world. Some teenagers have to battle every day to overcome the embarrassment caused by adolescent acne. But imagine how it must feel to look in the mirror and see reflected back at you physical disfigurement so distressing that it prevents you being able to leave your room at all disfigurement that actually isn't there, but that nonetheless has a devastating effect on you and causes such self-loathing that it can result in eating disorders, self-harming and, in some cases, suicide.
You might be surprised at how many people suffer from the disabling and debilitating condition known as body dysmorphic disorder.
Racheal was a painfully shy but happy, cheerful little girl. The youngest, and much loved, child in a large, sociable family, she found the noisy confidence of other children overwhelming, and made few friends at her strict private primary school.
When she was moved to a state junior school at the age of eight, her desperate desire to fit in was thwarted by her inexplicable but strongly felt allergy to boys, which inevitably led to teasing by the other children and to an increasing feeling that she was somehow different.
Racheal's love of animals and her passion for horse riding gave her the perfect excuse to hide behind her perception of herself as a horsey girl and avoid the interest in make-up and boys that was developing amongst the other girls at school.
But, despite her ardent and vociferous condemnation of all things girly, Racheal had started to develop an anxiety about her appearance that resulted in a fear of being seen without the cosmetic concealer and red lip paint that she began to wear secretly all the time.
As the teasing at school increased, Racheal sought comfort from her hurt and unhappiness by riding her horse, and it was a shared love of horses that was instrumental in instigating what was to prove to be the most significant and important friendship of her life. Dark-haired, half-Sri-Lankan Racheal and blue-eyed, golden-haired Fay were inseparable, and their close friendship acted as a buffer for Racheal against the difficulties she continued to face at school.
But when Racheal moved up into secondary school at the age of eleven, the teasing gradually escalated into full-blown bullying, both racial and appearance related, and her anxieties about her perceived appearance began to increase.
Then, at the age of thirteen, Fay died in a tragic accident and Racheal plunged into a downward spiral of depression, guilt and self-loathing that threatened to overwhelm her and that almost led to her own death from suicide.
Unable to cope with returning to school, Racheal began to spend hours alone in her bedroom, constantly drawn to look in the mirror and becoming increasingly distressed by the distorted image of her face that she saw reflected back at her. The thought of having to leave her room or be seen without the thick layers of make-up or veil with which she covered her face triggered severe panic attacks, and she began to inhale aerosols, self-harm, and refuse to eat, eventually weighing only 6 stone, at a height of 5 foot 8.
Four failed suicide attempts reinforced her feelings of self-hatred, shame and inadequacy and, as she became virtually unable to leave her bedroom, her parents began to have very serious concerns about her health, both physical and mental.
On the rare occasions when she did venture out, she was subjected to verbal and physical attacks, which she saw as no more than she deserved, and the remnants of her self-esteem and confidence finally ebbed away.
Then one day, Racheal's mother, desperate to find the help that her daughter so obviously needed, heard a message at the end of a television programme inviting calls from anyone who hated their appearance.
Grabbing pencil and paper to note down the number, she immediately telephoned the programmes production team and, unwittingly, took the first step towards helping Racheal on the slow and painful path to recovery.
By this stage unable to be seen even by her own family, Racheal was predictably horrified at the thought of appearing on television, but her mother, determined that something had to be done and having no other direction in which to turn, quite literally dragged her, kicking and screaming, to the studios to take part in a programme hosted by John Stapleton.
Feeling humiliated and miserable beyond description, Racheal hid her face behind a curtain of hair as her mother related the nightmare they had all been living through for so long. The programmes psychologist spoke kindly as he explained, Racheal, you are suffering from something called body dysmorphic disorder.
It was a seminal moment in all the family's lives to hear that Racheal had a recognised, and therefore potentially treatable, illness and it was the lifeline that they had sought for so long. But it wasn't until more than 250 letters from other BDD sufferers arrived in the post for Racheal, relating sad and sometimes harrowing stories, that she realised that by taking part in the programme she may actually have done some good.
But very little was known about BDD at that time, and Racheal's visit to what seemed to be the only (and privately practising) psychiatrist with any knowledge of the condition proved less than successful, and the family declined his offer to admit her to a private clinic for treatment.
Another positive result of Racheal's participation in that first television programme was that her mother made contact with a woman who had been desperately but unsuccessfully attempting to increase awareness of BDD since her 19-year-old son had killed himself while suffering from the illness.
The advice she gave Racheal's mother was probably the best advice she was ever to receive: You have to make your daughter face her fears.™
So, despite opposition from friends and family, Racheal's mother began a dogged and determined campaign to force her daughter to confront her illness and to talk about it on the television and radio programmes onto which she was invited, as well as to newspaper and magazine journalists.
The heart-rending but grateful letters that flooded in from other BDD sufferers touched Racheal deeply and she began to feel that perhaps all her suffering had a purpose to enable her to use her own experiences to help raise awareness of the condition and to provide support and a sympathetic ear to some of the many other silent sufferers who recognised themselves in her.
Slowly, the good days gradually began to increase in number until, at the age of 17, and encouraged by the boyfriend she had met the previous year and who had stuck by her so patiently, Racheal started work as a receptionist in a local health club.
With the support and understanding of her boss and co-workers, she gradually learned that she could be accepted for who she was and begin to live with her (imagined) distorted physical appearance.
Two years later, she was promoted to a sales position within the club and became the UK-wide company's second most successful sales person.
Then, in 2004, Racheal's mother secretly sent her daughter's photograph to the Miss England competition organisers, as a result of which Racheal became a finalist in the competition that year.
Still vulnerable, and requiring considerable persuasion to enter into this most daunting and difficult test of her recovery, Racheal finally accepted the challenge to face her ultimate fear.
Although most of the other girls were kind and supportive, Racheal almost withdrew from the competition because of hurtful remarks from one of the contestants.
But the thought of letting her family down gave Racheal the courage to continue and, repeating her personal mantra ˜Lights! Camera! Action!“ silently to herself, she stepped out into the glare of the floodlights with a smile on her face, and was rewarded with a feeling of pride and achievement that she could never remember having felt before.
In 2006, Racheal also took part in the Miss Great Britain competition becoming the bookies favourite where she again came up against one of the contestants undermining tactics. On this occasion, however, she was less able to rise above them, and walked out onto the stage anxious, miserable and unsmiling. But she knew that she had done well by managing to face her fears again, and her faltering footsteps on the catwalk were still steps on the road towards her recovery and the realisation that she could be accepted for the person she was.
Racheal's participation in the Miss England and Miss Great Britain competitions resulted in modelling assignments, which she undertook reluctantly. But her experience she gained in the modelling industry led her to start her own modelling agency, True Model Media, which she also uses as a platform to campaign against the industry's insistence on employing unhealthily underweight girls.
During the worst period of her long and debilitating illness, and desperate to find someone that her daughter could talk to, Racheal's mother had given her the phone number of the Samaritans, and the patience and non-judgemental acceptance of the volunteers manning the phone lines had provided Racheal with an opportunity to express her feelings of anger and shame.
In gratitude, she now tries to repay some of the support the Samaritans gave her by working with them, giving talks and helping educate and inform their volunteers around the country about the emotional and physical effects of BDD.
Racheal has written "The Butterfly Girl" in the hope that it will help raise awareness of this crippling, potentially life-threatening and under-diagnosed condition.
By openly discussing her own experiences, she also hopes to be able to provide comfort and inspiration to the many sufferers of BDD and their families and carers who battle with the effects of this dangerous and silent illness daily and who can often see no light at the end of the long, dark tunnel that their lives have become.
Racheal's passionate desire to help others is the driving force behind her determination to face each day with optimism and to refuse to be beaten by what she now recognises as an illness. She is proud of her achievements and of the person she has become, and frequently reminds herself that it's what's inside us that is important, and that that is something over which we can exert control.
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