8. You took part in Miss England how did this come about and how did you feel doing it?

By 2004 I had been working at Esporta for 4 years, my confidence was growing daily to the point where I eventually said goodbye to Esporta and went to work for my brother in a very un glamorous job which initialed ripping parts off cars and putting them on eBay.
I wanted to try and do something which was completely challenging, this job meant that I would wear overalls and go to work with little make up!, this is where I also taught myself web design, accounts etc and took over running the office for my brother.
Time had passed and things where looking up, then one day I had a phone call, my friend Ethan had been in a sky diving accident and wasn’t expected to live, I was devastated, a few weeks earlier Ethan had said that he was the happiest he had been in a long time, he had cleared all his debts, had a lovely new girlfriend and was due to move into his new flat the following day!.
Ethan died and that was a huge turning point for me.

I was sitting at my computer the next day when a message popped up on my MSN saying “Hi Rebecca further to your application we are delighted to announce that you are through to the finals of Miss England, they explained that I had won the photographic heat”, The e-mail clearly said the name Rebecca and I had never entered Miss England so I simply e-mailed them back to let them know they have the wrong person, I then received a reply saying “sorry Racheal we did not mean to call you Rebecca we do mean you!” .
I called my mother straight away to ask if she knew anything about this, to which she replied “oh you’ve got through!” Mum has always watched Miss World while I was growing up, she is very different to me and because I am the only daughter of 4 brothers she always wanted to push me into doing things growing up such as auditions, etc but being a very shy tom boy as a child all her attempts failed, she explained that she wants me to once in my life see what she see’s, and that she feels that I have come so far that it would mark the perfect end to my journey.

I wasn’t in my right mind, Ethan had died and all this was so much to take in, but I eventually decided that I want to do something to honor both Fay and Ethan, they would have been so proud to see me take such a huge step forward, I wanted to show them just how far I had come with my recovery, looking back I think I was about 80% there and this was perhaps my final fear to face “being judged solely on appearance!” if I could stand up on stage and do this infront of all those people, then perhaps walking through town wouldn’t seem so difficult!, as even though I was getting better, I still had my “safe zones” the places in which I felt comfortable to be myself, Home, Esporta, and at my new job with my Brother at JUSTGTIS.

Arriving at the final was extremely daunting, there was a room full of beautiful girls, I felt stupid being amongst them, I quickly came to the conclusion that the only reason they must want me here is to generate publicity due to the fact I was known at the time as the girl who had BDD!.

I knew this was a big step, and even though Miss England provided us with a hotel room to share with one of the other contestants as part of the deal, I paid for my own room as I still did not feel ready to be in a situation where a stranger could see me without make up!.

I decided that I had come far enough by just turning up, and phoned my brother that night in tears to say I am going to pull out, My brother managed to persuade me to stay, explaining how proud it would make the family, and how excited they where to watch me do this!, I didn’t want to let him down, he then said “don’t ever let anyone or anything make you feel like you don’t belong there”.

I then reminded myself for me this was not a competition, I was not competing with the rest of the girls, the only thing this was about was me and the BDD, I wanted to show it once and for all that it no longer controls me, and those voices in the back of my mind no longer tell me what to do!.

Dure in the final I was extremely nervous, but seeing the smiles from my family made it all worthwhile, I walked away feeling a huge buzz of achievement, I used my “lights camera action” mantra that I had taught myself back in the Esporta days, and it worked.

I had faced my ultimate fear of being judged!, I wasn’t placed but that didn’t matter in my eyes I had won!, the battle with the BDD was finally in my hands, and I was regaining control over my life whilst making my family proud in the process!.