3. What was life like at the time BDD effected you the most e.g. thoughts, behaviors, routines, etc?

I can only describe this part of my life as a “living hell” after Fay died, spent a very long time blaming myself, I hid myself away in a dark bedroom rocking back and fourth saying “bring her back and take me instead”, I believe this is when things spiraled out of control!.
It started off as just small rituals, I would open and shut the wardrobe 8 times, splash my face 30 times with water when I washed it, touch things twice, id tell myself if I didn’t do these things then someone will die.

Over the years of hiding in my bedroom these obsessions eventually lead to my face, my rituals included, counting calories, throwing up after meals, it was kind of a mixture of bulimia and anorexia, looking back I suppose I felt that I may not be able to control my face but by restricting what I ate I felt a certain amount of control over my body.
However I now feel that the eating problems where related to something deeper, I couldn't bring Fay back, I couldn't change what had happened, I felt life was beyond my control, so perhaps this was my way of "calling the shots" I was punishing myself, I hated myself and blamed myself for Fays death, I felt that perhaps if she hadn't of met me me she would still be alive.
Fay was on the way to my house when she died; I felt that she would never have been in that situation if she did not know me! so I think the eating disorder I developed was an addiction to the one thing I could control!.