6. What steps did you take to get better and what made that process easier/harder?

For me the first steps to recovery started when I was finally diagnosed by the American Psychologist on the TV Show “The Time and Place”, coming to terms with the fact that I had always though that my behavior was just part of me, was a very strange realization, all these “rituals” etc where infact the BDD controlling me, so all the time that I was doing these things such as touching things twice ect which made me feel in control of my life, I was infact being controlled by Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
The Psychologist had told me that one theory for BDD is that is is a chemical imbalance in the brain which is making me have an unrealistic expectation of perfection within myself!, hearing this was extremely relieving, and knowing that there where others like me made me feel as though there could be some hope for me after all.

Before I knew that there was such an illness as BDD I had spent my life feeling as though there could be no future for me, I hated being so self obsessed, and this illness not only made me feel hideous on the outside, it also made me hate who I had become, I never judged anyone so why was I so concerned about what people thought of me.
The truth is I don’t ever think this was about others, the battle was with me and the BDD, my ultimate goal was to take control of the BDD and show it that it will not control me any longer, it almost felt like I was 2 people, everytime I would try and do something positive I could hear the voice in my head telling me that I am not good enough, and that I do not deserve to be alive!.

I knew that I could never be happy with my appearance, but my goal was to become comfortable within my own skin, I just wanted to lead a “normal” life, I wanted to learn to accept compliments, and fit in with the rest of the world, After my failed Counseling sessions I had no choice but to try and help myself!, So I started by writing a list of goals that I wanted to try and achieve, this is how I started my journey to becoming a “better me” I feared Anti Depressants as I had watched my Mother having extremely bad side effects on them as a child, so the only choice I had was to write a list of goals and try to face them.
The goals started off pretty small, for example my first goal was to visit our local shop without lipstick!, to most that sounds like an easy task! But for me it was one of my greatest fears, I used the lipstick to disguise my lips, so removing that disguise for me was like someone having to walk into town naked!, that’s just how I felt, exposed and humiliated.
After I had managed to face each goal I would return home feeling as though I had achieved something!, then the more I achieved the better that I felt.

It was not always easy, there where times where it would knock me down again, for example on a day where I had plucked up the courage to go into town with just Mascara and Lipstick on, some builders shouted out to me “Oi Ugly, if you where better looking then we might want ya number, but you just aint got the looks sweetheart”
I ran home in tears, but when facing your fears you can’t always expect it to be easy, I tried to tell myself that other peoples opinions did not matter! As anyone who would judge me solely on appearance would not be worth the opinion of, however that night the words from those builders repeated in my head over and over.
However I eventually did manage to pick myself up again and start over with my goals.

After a while I was able to visit night clubs, as my greatest fear was the “day light” but in nightclubs I felt that my looks where hidden by the dark light.
Sometimes it would turn out to be a huge mistake as I would consume as much alcohol as I could to try and numb the pain of how I was feeling.
While I was out I would have to keep going to the toilet to check my reflection over and over again, which lead me to get some very nasty comments as people just presumed that I was vain, for example one day a girl grabbed hold of me and said “you love yourself don’t you, she then grabbed a bottle put it to my face and said “your ugly don’t you ever forget that” “you look like a cat”.
These kind of things happened all the time, I would often just end up smashing a glass then hide myself away in the club toilets cutting my wrists in the attempt to numb the pain.
Alcohol only made my anxiety worse, and often my nights out would end in utter disaster.
The people who shouted out nasty comments would only confirm how I was feeling about myself, I knew what I looked like, I was trying to be strong, but it is not that easy when every time you try to fight it there is someone in front of you confirming everything that you feel about yourself!.

The thing to remember is, learning to live with an illness like BDD is never going to be easy, no matter what you do it will always be in the back of your mind trying to hold you back.
I believe its almost a more extreme case of OCD within yourself, for example no matter how much reassurance I received, it did not make me feel any better about myself, I was preoccupied with these defects to the point that it controlled every move I made.
My bulgy sunken eyes, huge nose, terrible skin, shapeless face, thin lips, flat hair, the list goes on.
I would be lying if I was to tell you that I no longer see these “defects” only today I know that these where the cards I was dealt, and I can either hide away for the rest of my life wishing for it to be over, or I can honor those friends who I lost by making the most of the time I have left.

These days when I get ready I do not allow myself to focus, its like having a camera lens which is trying to focus in, my eyes go blurry almost like they do when you start to get a really bad headache , only this happens to me every time I look in the mirror, all I can see are these extreme “defects” but now I have the strength to walk away from the mirror and get on with my life, where as before I would just end up going back to bed.
As far as I am concerned just the fact that these days this illness has not held me back from doing anything that comes my way is an achievement!, when in the past no amount of offers or money would get me out of that bedroom on one of my “bad days” so the fact I have learnt to live with this illness shows me that I have regained control over my life.

You have to remember, when forcing yourself to face a fear, you may end up feeling worse initially, but the key is to keep getting back up and trying again until you get used to that situation.
For example as I mentioned above it wasn’t always easy, but the more I did it the more my body got used the small adjustments, you just have to persist.
These days there is already a lot more help for sufferers to support them in gaining the strength to face their goals, I am lucky I suppose in the fact that I had a very supportive family around me, and all that I do is to show them that they have not failed!, they made me who I am today and I am eternally grateful for their support.

One of my more “extreme” goals was to get myself a job, on a rare visit to the shops I had met my boyfriend Paul, it was on the day that those builders hailed at me the abuse I mentioned above that I first met Paul.
I had gone into town as I mentioned before with less make up on, I had taken back a pair of shoes with a broken heal, he was working in the shoe shop, he asked if I needed any help, I hid under my hair and told him my shoes had broke, he kindly exchanged them and I went home, I never dreamed he would have found me “attractive”.

A few weeks later my friend Cathy wanted me to go out to the local nightclub, as I mentioned before I felt most comfortable in dark places, but having said that if I was having a “bad” day then nothing would make me leave the house, not even at night!.

When I was ill my friends would often get dressed up to go out, and come to meet me at my house then end up sitting outside my door for the rest of the evening with me refusing to leave my bedroom, I would always make the effort, but if the “disguise” did on go on correctly then it was impossible to gain the strength to leave the room.
Poor Cathy was so patient with me; I must have been a nightmare! but on this particular evening when she came over everything had gone wrong!.
I was determined by this point not to let this illness dictate what I do in life, as it was at a time where I had my list of goals, she managed to persuade me to come out even though I felt terrible.

I dressed myself in a black suit which covered my entire body, and as usual hid under my thick curtain of hair then went to the club with her.
On arrival I just wanted to go home, the anxiety was building up inside me and I went straight to the corner and put my face down onto the table, I also was developing a terrible migraine, no doubt caused by all the stress, when Cathy said to me “That boy from the shoe shop is looking at you” and I replied with “Cathy he would be looking at you not me!”
It wasn’t long before I was standing on my own in a dark area while Cathy danced by herself ( Cathy was an active sole, always singing and Dancing so it wasn’t unusual for her to Dance alone, perhaps that’s why she could put up with me on a night out! As at that time inevitably I wasn’t the most “fun” person to be around”).
Whilst standing in the corner alone, a guy came over to me asking if I had a cigarette, I replied with “sorry no” and was feeling rather awkward as I didn’t feel like talking at all, then he was interrupted by another guy who said “sorry mate she's with me”! (This was Paul).

Paul has always been very confident!, I admire that about him, I wasn’t sure what to say to him so the only thing I could think of was complaining about the fact the new shoes he had given me in exchange for the ones I had originally taken back where already breaking, we had a brief chat, then soon after I wanted to go home.
Paul offered to give me and Cathy a lift, obviously this isn't something I would normally accept, but Paul had a kind and calm persona about him, and I just felt as though I could trust him. He dropped me and Cathy home and that was that.

Then the next day, he arrived at my house un announced! I would not see him as I did not have any make up on, and I couldn’t let a stranger see me wearing my blobs!
My Dad took his number then persuaded me to call him the next day.

Our first date was spent in the darkness of my living room, with me making Paul regular cups of Coffie!, he was a pretty chilled out person at that time, he always fell asleep when he came over! So it suited me well, we would watch films in the dark and he would just sleep.
Then after a few weeks Paul was coming over pretty much every night, I was determined to try and act “normal” but it soon became obvious to him that something was wrong!
He asked me to take my lipstick off one day, I replied with “why” he said that I can see you would look so much prettier without all that make up!
Gradually over the next few months Paul had helped me feel comfortable with less and less make up around him, then after about 6 Months I had got to a point of wearing Mascara, Foundation, Blusha, Tinted Lip Gloss which for me was nothing in comparison to my previous “disguise”.

Paul is very much a motivated person, he doesn’t really understand mental health issues and he wanted to force me into getting a job as he believed that by throwing me into the deep end I may sink, but I may swim!.
In the end pressure of him trying to make me get a job became too much, and it wasn’t long before the BDD attacks could no longer be controlled around him.

I think he only noticed how serous it was when he was trying to make me leave the house in the daylight one day, he arrived un announced to take me out, I went crazy and would not open the door, he eventually wedged the door open and I threw an ironing board at him, I was shaking and crying uncontrollably!, the poor boy must have never witnessed that kind of behavior before, he left me alone and went downstairs.
This is when for the first time my Mum had to explain to him that I wasn’t a “Normal” girl, she told him about my illness, and I don’t think he really understood, but at least it explained my some what erratic behavior and mood swings!.

Eventually Paul did manage to persuade me to get a job, I had many failed attempts, it is not easy to keep up a job when you have to call in every other day sick, and no one would understand if I was to have said the truth, which was “sorry I cant come in today because of my face” at first I tried temping but each time I failed, to be honest I had already come so far to even consider working, but it resulted in me letting a lot of people down, so I had to give up.

Then one day my Mother came back with an application form from our local Health Club Esporta, I was apprehensive at first, but decided I would try to keep Mum and Paul happy by at least filling in the application form, needless to say I had no experience, so I had to exaggerate a little by saying that I worked for my Dad.
I never expected to even be considered, but a few weeks later I received a phone call from a lovely Lady called Debs, she asked if I could attend an interview!, with Paul by my side I had no choice I had to accept, I was sure I would fail so I was both shocked and delighted to hear that I got the job!.

I owe the people at Esporta so much for helping my confidence grow; I had to work on the reception desk which meant I had to face people daily.
Now although I had got to a stage where I could allow Paul to see me with “less” make up I was not at a stage where I felt comfortable around others that way, but slowly with the shifts it was becoming difficult to keep up my time consuming disguise.
For example if I had an early shift at 6am, I would have to be up at 1am to be ready in time, then if I was working a late shift the night before which would be until 11pm I would barely get any sleep at all!.
I did however feel more concealed under the warm lights in the health club, there was also a very good atmosphere from both the members and the staff, so gradually I started to wear less and less make up, I even got to a point where I was wearing my hair in a pony tail! Which was a huge achievement for me when in the past I used my hair to cover my face.

Esporta became one of my safe zones!, it was strange as although I would be comfortable behind the doors of the health club, I could not leave to go out in the “day light” on my lunch brakes etc!, I will always remember something I felt very proud of within that job was when I was voted “top banana” all the members voted there favorite member of staff each month, and for me that made me realize that despite the fact I had lessened my disguise, people where actually liking me for who I was, and this is the first time I realized that I may not be able to control my outer features but I can control my beauty within.

Esporta is where I learnt to use my “Lights Camera Action” mantra, a method in which I pretended in my head I was someone else, this gave me the confidence to build on “who I was” and eventually the person I was pretending to be finally became who I am!.