4.What help did you receive, if any?

When I was ill BDD was barely known of in the UK at all, there where no internet forums and my Mother had no idea what was wrong with me.
One day my Mum saw my jumper slip back from my arm to revile the cuts I had on my wrist, she grabbed my arm and said "what have you been doing to yourself" her eyes where full of tears, she wanted me to see a doctor, to which I only agreed if she promised to make them help me with my skin!.
When I arrived at the Doctor the first thing we spoke about was my "perceived" acne, I was very distressed when he told me that he could not see a problem with my skin and advised me to try Dove Soap!.
I can only describe this feeling as having a huge boil in the middle of your forehead, you know its there and you just need help to get rid of it but everyone is telling you that you are imagining it!, Bearing in mind we had never heard of BDD before, I became convinced that everyone was patronizing me!, I just wanted them to see what I was seeing and help me!.
My Mother expressed her concerns about my Arm, she explained that I rarely leave the Bedroom, and when I do I have to either be packed in make up, which has to be "a certain way" for me to even attempt to leave my room, or I would only come out with huge blobs of talk on my face!, I used to do this to draw attention away from my features, it was easier to do this when my make up "disguise" failed, later on in life I actually just ended up wearing a Muslim type veil that I hade made from a tea cozy and piece of material that I had sewn to the side, then hooked around my face!.

But anyway getting back to the Dr Appointment, the whole time I was hiding under my thick black hair to cover my face, they obviously knew I needed help so they referred me to a councilor, now the problem with this is it took amazing strength to just leave the house to see the DR, and the only reason I agreed is due to the prospect of finally getting help with my skin, but seeing a councilor would mean I would have to leave the house on a weekly basis, which even though I had stronger days than others seemed a step to far for me.
However my Mothers persistence along with the stress I was causing on my family made me agree to the first session.
The lady I saw was very nice, but it was clear she had got the completely wrong idea of what was wrong with me, she kept asking me the same questions about my relationship with my Dad and Brothers, I am very close to them and what she was implying made me fee physically sick!, She could have not been further from the cause of this problem.
After a failed counseling session leaving me feeling drained and worse than before I refused to go back.

Time passed by and things where getting progressively worse, I had taken 2 overdoses by this point and wished my life to be over so I could finally put an end to the pain inside!.
Then one day My Mother saw an advert for a TV show called "The Time and Place" They were asking for people who hate themself, feel like a freak etc to come on the show, basically describing all of my symptoms, this was the first time Mum had ever come across anything that came close to what I was going through, she phoned the show and they got in touch asking if I would appear.
When Mum told me I point blank refused, how could I appear on national TV infront of thousands of people when it was hard enough just leaving my bedroom!, But My mum was like a women possessed, she was forcing me to do it, shouting and going mad to the point where my Dad was holding her back and telling her to leave me alone!.
In the end she made me speak to the researcher on the phone who explained that there are others like me, and if I can just be brave and come to the show they may be able to help me get better in addition to helping other people see that they are not alone!
After much persuasion we eventually came to an agreement that they could send a car in the morning and I would only appear on the show if my "disguise" went on correctly and I felt up to it.

However inevitably the stress of appearing on national TV set me off into a major attack, the car arrived and my Mother literally dragged me to the show kicking a screaming!, I guess she had got to a point where she did not know where else to turn, and this was her only glimpse of hope of getting me some help.

The hardest thing to come to terms with was accepting that what I had always thought was reality may not be, I had always thought these rituals, calorie counting etc where my way of being in control, but the possibility that I was being mentally controlled by an illness seemed very hard to believe.
When I was on the show I just hid under my hair the whole time!, My mother did all the talking.
There was a Man on the show who was an American Psychologist he diagnosed me there and then with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, this illness at the time was unheard of in the UK, but I could not help but feel some comfort in knowing that I am not alone, there was also other people on the show who had done extreme things to change their appearance, including a girl who had tried to give herself DIY Lipo Suction.
The American Dr gave me details of a well known specialist in the UK and I booked an appointment that day!.

After the show when I returned home, My Dad had taped the footage, looking back it was a huge mistake for me to watch the it, I destroyed any photos my Mum had of me, at times she would try and build my confidence by making me pose for photos in the hope I would see what she see's but every time it failed and I would end up writing abuse all over them and scratching my face off in distress!.
As you can imagine when I watched this tape it was a recipe for disaster, I went crazy, I ran up stairs and smashed my room up, grabbed a razor and dug it deep into my wrist, my arm was dripping with blood.
My parents where arguing like mad, my Dad was shouting "just leave her alone" why did you put her through this" with my mum screaming "because its the only chance we have of a cure for her behavior".
My Dad does have certain similarities to me, although obviously not as extreme, he avoids social situations, For example last New Year we had a party at my Brothers with Family and Friends, when he arrived with Mum he refused to get out of the car because he didn't feel good about himself, and sat alone all evening with me taking him regular supplies of food and drink. It makes me really sad to see him that way when I have come so far, but the difficulty is he just looks at me and say "Racheal I know what I am and I know how people look at me" but you are my beautiful little girl and watching you makes me proud, you have no reason to feel the way I do", but what he doesn't seem to understand is what he is seeing is also an illusion!.

BDD is an evil thing that makes you see a distorted image of yourself; it’s an unrealistic expectation of perfection within our self! But my Dad doesn't believe he is ill, he just maintains he looks like a freak and that is that!

My theory is there are people out there who I hugely admire, people who have burns on their face, or some kind of physical deformity, yet they are living a happy fulfilled life, so why do people with BDD become so preoccupied with a defect!, I ask myself this daily and remind myself that no matter what we look like we should not let that dictate the life we lead!.

After the show things got really bad but I knew that I had to try and get better, now I knew there was a name to what I suffered from and there was someone who may be able to help me, I finally had some hope.
However on the day of my appointment things didn't turn out the way I had hoped, this Psychologist asked me lots of questions, but the questions felt more like I was being used as a Guinea pig, it almost felt like he knew nothing about the illness, unlike the American Dr I had met before, and then the worst thing happened… I was telling him about the fact I cover my face with the Muslim type veil, and he started to laugh, I felt so stupid, and just wanted to crawl into a hole and die!.
The consultation also cost £150, although my parents where willing to pay anything to help me, his session left me feeling worse than before.
After that I did not leave my room for a long time, My mother was leaving meals outside my door which I would just throw down the toilet anyway ( I had an en suite bathroom in my bedroom ).
Then one day my Mum knocked on my bedroom door, I replied with my usual tone "Go Away" ( the BDD did make me a angry person, I could not help but take that anger out on the people I loved, it was beyond my control but the more nasty I was to them the more I hated who I had become, so not only did I hate who I was on the outside, I hated who I was on the inside too! ), Mum eventually said "I have something for you, don't worry I am going down stairs now, just open the door and have a look".
When I opened the door there was a large brown envelope, upon opening this I had received over 250 letters from other BDD suffers who like me had no idea what was wrong with them until seeing me on "The time and Place" for the first time in my life I felt as though I had achieved something!.
Writing to the other sufferers was my start to recovery, we shared our feelings, and when I looked at them it was hard for me to understand how they felt that way about themself, so for the first time I finally realized that the chemical imbalance in the brain which makes BDD sufferers see them self as different to others may infact be true!.