2. Can you think of anything that caused or contributed to your BDD?

I believe the “trigger” that set me off from being an insecure, shy little girl to becoming a complete recluse locking myself away in my bedroom feeling too ashamed to let anyone see my face, started when I lost my best friend, she was my rock.
I was bullied at School, I am half Sri Lankan and Half English, the kids used to call me a packi, they would tell me that I look drugged because I have blue eyes and dark hair, and generally taunt me, but no matter how bad they made me feel Fay was always the one who would pick me back up again, after School I knew we would be back to riding our horses and all the negative comments from the day would just drift away!.
Thinking back Though, Even before Fay died I did develop behavior which some people may regard as “odd” you see through out middle school I had developed a phobia of boys, I genuinely had convinced myself that I was allergic to them!, this soon became known to the other children, The boys would tees me by touching my, pens, rubber etc, to which I would respond by throwing these items away.
I was aliment that I did not want to be anything “pretty” I wanted to be known as a “Horsy Girl” to the point that I actually used to turn up at School Discos dressed head to toe, in my Jodhpurs, Riding jacket, complete with my hat!, everyone would say “Racheal it’s a party!, why an earth are you dressed that way” to which I would reply “because I am a horsy girl”.

I used to claim that I hated Make Up, Jeans and anything that could be perceived as “cool”, however the irony is what people did not know is I had stolen a pot of prescription cover up from my Mother, I was convinced I had severe Acne, Being only 11 years old looking back I still had baby skin!.
In addition to the cover up I used to carry around a little paint pallet from a Christmas cracker, I used a bit of the red paint mixed with water to tint my lips, then I would use the black paint with water as a substitute for Mascara, not only was this unusual behavior for a girl who claimed she doesn’t care for her appearance, it was so much more than just wearing make up.
The severity on how reliant I was on these items only became apparent when I stayed over at a friends house, I went in the bathroom to wash my face before bed, then realized that I had left the Dermablend cover up and paint pallet in my friends bedroom, the anxiety build up inside me as I was trying to figure out how I am going to get to the bedroom to reclaim my items without being seen!.
At that time I had no idea there was a problem, but looking back even before Fay died there where obvious signs of abnormal behavior.

Then when moving up into secondary School I decided that I am going to try my best to “fit in” I realized that this problem with boys was only making me stand out more, so on the first day I made a point of sitting next to a boy in assembly, however whilst I felt proud of myself for actually facing this fear!, it was soon ruined by the sounds of taunting and teasing from the girls behind me shouting “look Racheal’s sitting next to a boy!”, secondary school wasn’t easy for me, I had been split up with Fay and put in a different wing to her, I became very withdrawn and the thought of standing up to read in class made me feel physically sick!, to the point where I ran out of class one day crying when I was asked to read.
The more I showed weakness the worse the bullying got, then one day I decided that I wanted to just be “normal” I wanted people to accept me, so I went to the local Market one Saturday and picked up the most bizarre make up!, I didn’t have a clue what to buy!, the next day when I got to school before attending class, I filled my hair with mouse and scrunched it like the rest of the girls did, then applied red, blue, purple eyeshadow, thick black eye liner, foundation as pale as I could buy, finished with dark red lipstick!, needless to say at the age of 12 I must have looked dreadful!.
I proceeded to class with my “new look”, when I walked in everyone started to laugh at me!, and the teacher shouted out infront of the whole class “if you don’t remove that make up now we will take you upstairs to the science lab and remove it with chemicals” I was so embarrassed and upset I only wanted to fit in, the other girls wore make up, but being only 12 I obviously had no idea how my choice of colours must have looked!, having said that I find it hard to forgive that teacher for not pulling me aside and quietly asking me to remove it.
That day I was taunted and teased to the point of despair, but when I got home I had a realization, for once they where not taunting me about my actual features, they where taunting me because of the way I was making myself look!, so through out High School this became my “disguise” it was easier to accept there comments about what I was making myself look like rather than what I did look like.