I was diagnosed with BDD in 1998 a time where I hated myself so much that I could barely leave my bedroom, I wished my life to be over and felt that I had no place within this world, however once I was diagnosed by an American Psychologist I became determined to regain control over my life!

It took a long time for me to come to terms with the fact that the life I had led was in fact controlled by this illness.
The BDD had been controlling me... the voice in my head which made me feel as though I was trapped inside a body which was holding me back from doing all the things I wanted to do, such as the simplest things like taking a walk on a sunny day or joining my family at the dinner table.

I was isolated in my dark bedroom and my life had become a living hell.
Perhaps the most difficult problem for me was even once I was diagnosed there was very little help available in the UK.

I had a small glimmer of hope when my Mother finally booked an appointment with the only known specialist in the UK!.
I was extremely relieved to know that there was finally a chance of recovery!, however to my disappointment during the consultation it felt as though I was being treated like a guinea pig, It was as if the specialist was infact using me to further educate himself on the illness, but the worst part was when I explained to him that I had got to the point of wearing a vale around the house, to which he ‘laughed’ at me!
I felt so embarrassed, it left me feeling ashamed and disheartened; when he laughed it confirmed to me that even he could see what I was seeing.

It was after this that I realised the only person who could help me was myself!, my Mother even completed a counselling course in the hope that she could help me, but unfortunately her attempts failed and it was then she realised that there was nothing left she could do to make me better.
I am very pleased to see that there is much more help available for sufferers today, but there still is a huge lack of understanding out there, Body Dysmorphic Disorder bears a close link to Anorexia, no matter how much you reassure the sufferer they will still see a distorted image in the mirror.


My main objective for my book “the butterfly girl” is to help creating further awareness on the illness in which I suffer (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and show others that like me there can be a way of learning to lead a “Normal” and “Happy” life with it.

By helping others through the publication of my book it makes all that I have been through worthwhile, for me the book marks the end of those chapters of my life. If I can now use my past experiences in a positive way then perhaps there was a purpose to all those years I wasted with Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

By creating further understanding on the disorder which is a combination of OCD, Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Agoraphobia and General Self Loathing, I am hoping that not only will it help others who are suffering from similar experiences, it may also help those within the Medical World in addition to Friends or Family who may need help in understanding how to cope.

I feel that others who read my book may be able to relate to my experiences, especially anyone who is suffering from Mental Health issues, Bullying and alike.

My book follows 'my' journey from beginning to end, It show the early signs of 'my' behaviour patterns, When things where at there worse i.e. my Suicide attempts, Self Harming etc, Things within my life that I was unaware at the time which may have contributed to my illness, in addition to the ending of how I live my life today!.

I also speak within the book about the fears I have faced such as the participation of beauty pageants such as Miss England / Miss Great Britain, by facing my ultimate fear of being judged.

Obviously I am not saying that this is what every BDD sufferer should do!, it was simply “My Fear” and one which I faced, much like the TV show “How To Look Good Naked” where they have people with Body Issues face their fears, and at the end of the show they participate in a Naked Catwalk appearance, they walk away feeling liberated, and I guess in a way for me that is what these pageants where about, having said that I was already 80% better when I faced those final fears.

I believe the “trigger” of the illness taking control over my life started when I lost my best friend at the Age of 13, Fay was like a sister to me and for years I blamed myself, I wished it had of been me!, but today I do all that I can to honour the life she missed out on and by doing so I feel that I am keeping her memory alive.

The first step to recovery is realising and understanding that BDD is in fact an illness hence the name otherwise known as ‘Imaginary Ugliness Syndrome’,
Once you can learn to accept that you can start making the first steps to regain control over your life.
What we see in the mirror is infact an illusion, a Scientifically proven defect within our brain that makes us see our self as ‘different’ but the reality is even if what we see is real why should it stop us from living a happy and fulfilled life?

I now run a successful Modelling Agency TRUE MODEL MEDIA which is my way of trying to provide healthier role models within this industry, I speak within my book about the Modelling world and how people in this profession are often misjudged, I have learnt that many Models are more insecure than you would imagine, they seem to be simply “seeking approval” on how they look.

I truly believe that if you hold your head up high and act confident, then others will believe in you too, being attractive is about being at peace with yourself, if you are a happy person then you can create a good vibe around you, people will naturally see you as more “attractive”. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it’s who we are that makes us!
My brother once told me "it’s easy to get bored of what you have when you see the same thing in the mirror every day, but remember to everyone else you are unique”.

It is inevitable that we will notice flaws within our self, if you study anything for long enough there is always a flaw, perfection does not exist, We all have a different opinion of what is perfect, i.e. choose different cars, have a different favourite colour etc, The reality is even if there ever was such thing as perfection then life would be boring, its what makes us different and unique.


What people need to understand is BDD is not about hating / judging all the beautiful people in the world because ‘WE’ feel so 'unattractive'! Why do people stereo type?
We can not help the face that we have been born with!, People who we perceive as 'beautiful' are just as likely to suffer mental health issues as those perceived as 'unattractive' it has nothing to do with the mental state of a sufferer as this illness lies within our mind.
The battle with BDD has always been between me and the BDD; it is not about looking at other people such as Models, Celebrities etc and blaming them for the way we feel.
The battle is between me and the illness only, I have never looked at another person and seen ‘defects’ within their face the only person I see these ‘defects’ on is my self.
I re emphasise that there is no Stereo Type for this scientifically proven mental illness, and this is why I am passionate about creating the further much needed awareness on Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
The moral of the story is that you should never judge a book by its cover we are all individuals, we will all find different ways of coping, but I am hoping my story will at least show others that with any mental illness, there can be a light at the end of the tunnel!.